I downloaded my archives for Xanga. It’s really weird reading entries that I wrote 11 years ago when I was 17. I think I actually joined Xanga a lot earlier than that, but maybe under a different name. I was so weird as a teenager! Maybe I’m still weird. I was also depressed back then as I am now:

Saturday November 23, 2002

I guess it’s just this one xanga I accidentally happened to read today that pissed me off…but really, I’ve felt like this a lot…people just don’t understand…I remember once when I was little, I asked my mom “Why do people want to kill themselves?  That’s so horrible”….and isn’t it ironic?  Suicide is so controversial… but I’ve realized that people who are against it don’t understand the feeling…it’s a miserable, cold, lonely, feeling…people say they feel like shit all the time, but suicide is like feeling so shitty you can’t even think about ANYTHING else but killing yourself…it’s horrible…I’m glad I’ve never gone through with it, but it’s a sneaky little bastard…  

Still sounds like me today, eleven years later, and I still haven’t changed. Instead of a teenager, I am just a 28 year old angsty person on a mental pair of crutches called Prozac and Xanax. Less pimples, more wrinkles. I think the difference is that I’ve grown accustomed to isolating myself from the noise and indulgence of too much social interaction.

Anyway, I know some of you might be wondering where I’m going after this. I’m on WordPress now, so here’s my new cyber consciousness’s home: http://littlefatkitten.wordpress.com/

I’ve only played around with responses to their daily prompts. So far I haven’t committed to divulging my deepest, most boring secrets on there, but it will probably transition into that as soon as this place dies. “Dies.” Oh, what a heavy and overused word. 

My dad unfortunately got sick the past week, but has just gotten better. When I saw him today, I asked him what happened:

“Dad, how’d you get sick?”

“Oh, I had a terrible stomach flu” (note: this is usually how conversations usually go in my family. The question is never directly answered, but something similar is mentioned in regards to the answer)

“How’d you get the stomach flu? Do you know how you got it?”

“I ate this bread with …you know those little dried grapes…”

“Raisins”

“Yes, I ate this bread with raisins in it.”

“Was there something wrong with it?”

“I think there was some mold or it was not good anymore..”

“Why’d you eat it then?”

“I like the taste”

“You like the taste of mold?!”

“No! I didn’t know it was moldy!”

Sometimes I think it would be great to lock myself in a personal prison and just read all the books I wanted to read ‘but never got around to read.’

I quit Facebook for almost two years (this fall it will be two years), and in retrospect, I’m very happy that I quit Facebook. Having joined Facebook in its early days when you needed to belong to a school that was part of the Facebook network, I never realized how addictive and psychologically toxic it was for me. In my mind, I’m always comparing myself to other people – particularly ‘better’ people (better being a very subjective term), and Facebook exacerbated my mental comparisons game to the extent that it was really hindering my life’s progress.

I feel like now, without Facebook, I’m actually able to focus strictly on my own goals and making myself happy rather than worry about appearing happy on a social media network.

I feel like I fail at a lot of things.

I was thinking about Cory from Glee who had just recently passed away from a heroin overdose. I felt really sad about it because I was thinking about a time when I was addicted to opiate pills (a very short period, mind you) and I know how intense the physical addiction can get. Morphine gets it’s name from the God of dreams, and I can’t think of a more suitable name for it. With most drugs, you can say “oh that was fun” and close the door on it, but with morphine, there is just such an intense physical need for the substance that even if your mind says no, your body will shake and get sick until you get it again. It is really an insanely addictive drug, and I can’t imagine that if heroin is the same way, then there is no way I could ever survive a heroin addiction. I suppose if I made enough money for the rest of my family to live off of and bought just enough to do heroin until I can OD and die from it, then that wouldn’t be such a bad way to die, although it would be horribly irresponsible.

In any case, I enjoy sobriety a lot more now that my life is stable. I feel like even if I had access to a lot of drugs, which I kind of do, I still wouldn’t do it just because I’ve been on a clean streak for so long now, it would be a pity to break it.

I found out today that one of my past friends has become an international DJ over the past year and is jetsetting all over the world to DJ. I think it’s awesome, but I can’t help feeling intensely jealous of her as well. In the past, I also wanted to Dj, but in the end, I always felt like I was too shy to handle playing for a crowd. I am always too self-aware and very critical of myself and others- I wouldn’t be able to handle that kind of pressure. I hope she’s doing well…I haven’t seen or talked to her since she moved to NY. Apparently she is the number one Asian female dj in NY. I think that spot is currently held by DJ Fei Fei here in LA.

Taking Chem lab again reminded me why I had to quit premed the first time around. This class is so much work- even without anything else in my life going on right now, it takes up most of my day to do the prelabs and postlabs. I don’t understand how anyone can take this class with more than two other classes and activities going on. If I knew how to prioritize and cut back on activities and extraneous classes in the past, then I should have done that.

Love this face? Clover is the cutest retarded dog ever. I realized that if you cover his ears, he kinda looks like a baby seal.

Katayoun came back from Joshua Tree National Park and she, Avi and I went to have sushi for lunch at a place called Sushi-gen. I think the combination of sushi and coffee gave me bubblies in my stomach for the whole day. This resulted in unwarranted surprise flatulence for the rest of the day which involved shopping in Melrose. I wondered if it was possible to start a new trend of surprise flatulence.

I knew Kat would love Melrose and judging from her reaction at the end of the day, she seemed to have loved it. It turned out a lot better than our trip to the OC and Compton, which was really just a whole day of driving around and giving her terrible anxiety attacks.

We talked about how different cultures travel differently. I guess it’s very hard for foreigners to adjust to how much we have to drive in LA. In most other places, we have to take public transportation. The horrible thing about that is all the waiting you have to do for the trams, buses, or trains. I grew up driving everywhere so it feels more natural that I can hop into my car and go wherever I need to go. I remember when I lived in Amsterdam, that was what pissed me off – having to take buses and trains to what seemed like such a short distance when driving there would have been a lot faster – even in traffic. When I compare it to Tokyo, Taipei, NY, and Amsterdam…I still feel like I am most accustomed to my lifestyle here. Most major cities use the metro, but LA is still a car city. Katayoun was asking me why I could ever want to leave LA since it is so nice, but I think once you live long enough anywhere, it’s no longer “nice.” It is just a lot more work to adapt to a new infrastructure of a foreign city than to stay put and plug yourself into the city you’re most comfortably uncomfortable in. I think that is what I have done. She told me that Rachel is back in Maastricht doing another degree and I was a bit surprised and jealous, but I knew that in the end, another one of ‘those’ degrees would still result in joblessness and despair. No use- better to stay here and get on track for a real job.

I was talking to Kittywho about toxic relationships and I realized that we were always attracted to people we couldn’t really have who feed our ego. In a way, we were being masochistic. If we were strong women, as she put it, we could walk away and know that, as an individual, we were strong and beautiful and independent on our own. Our inherent problem is that we always feel so insecure about ourselves to the point that we put our values aside in relationships that compromise those values. I felt sad when she was telling me about this because it was true. I was obsessed with love and when I should have put my foot down, I couldn’t do it. Now I’m angry and bitter, but it is all my fault. I couldn’t walk away when I should have. I always knew it would happen, but I couldn’t gather the self control to stop.