August 6, 2013
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I’m pretty stressed/depressed. I know it’s better not to talk about it because it just feeds the emotion. I got a lecture from a friend who I thought knew me pretty well, but I guess he doesn’t. He kept saying “why do you even want to do premed? You hate chemistry, and you don’t know how to study. I’ve seen you study and you get distracted so easily. You need to put yourself in an uncomfortable place and just really study. If you don’t like chemistry, then how are you supposed to do well in the health profession?!”
The truth is, I don’t hate chemistry, but I just have trouble doing very well in it. Sure, I don’t get A’s, but really, I don’t even get A’s in classes I do love, like my English classes. I’m just a straight B student, and to be honest, getting B’s in subjects I find excruciatingly hard is not bad in my standards, let alone UCLA’s science classes. I remember when my brother said he “failed” (probably a C?) an English class at a city college, which was ridiculous to me, but I understand it’s not an easy subject for him and he has always had trouble with literature. I don’t hold it against him; his brain works differently and I commend him for trying.
What makes me frustrated is that some people who I think are my friends say things that really put me down when all I want to do is finish a goal. There are many reasons why I am premed. I am premed because it was something I wanted to do in high school. I just didn’t know how to approach it. I was depressed and didn’t know I was depressed. I finally figured out how to manage my depression in my mid-20′s. I had a Dutch therapist who probably told me the best thing anyone has ever told me: “you are alone in the world now. You have to be your own father and mother. Your father protects you, and your mother loves and nurtures you.”
My mom put me down in many ways when I was young too. Perhaps it was totally unintentional but she kept comparing me to my friend Elaine S. Why can’t I be like her, why can’t I sit still and study? I don’t have the same focus or attention span. Now she is a radiologist with a dentist boyfriend who looks something like Ben Affleck.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous. But it’s things like that, I feel like my Mom would be saying I told you so. You’re a useless fool who went halfway around the world to chase an empty dream and fall in love with someone who treated you worse than you treat your own dog. What kind of of a fucking idiot would do that? You’re so useless you might as kill yourself. There’s no point in sucking up air and utilizing resources when other people need it anyway.
Comments (5)
Dont give up! If you are determined to finish a goal, that alone makes it worth finishing. And if you are feeling depressed, there is nothing wrong with seeking help…cliche though it may be, no man is an island.And for the record, I dont think I have used chemistry more than a handful of times since med school. Physiology, on the other hand…At the end of the day, if you have a passion for something, you will succeed in it. Outside measures dont matter. So good luck and to quote Neil De Grasse Tyson…keep looking up
@Rveblade - thanks for your kind/encouraging words. It also helps that you’re coming from a place where I want to be in a few years. I know my friend is frustrated too…he just finished his phd in chemistry and can’t find a job, so it’s been very frustrating for him. I just feel like there were so many things about my past that has lead me up to my current situation that he doesn’t know about, and he just judges based on the surface appearance of things that he sees and knows (like a true scientist I suppose).
Try not to let the superficial remarks of people get under your skin (I realize that they will anyways). A year back I got very upset because of something someone told me, because I cared about her and her opinion very much. Months later after I had more perspective on the incident, I realized I should not have let my guard down and been emotionally vulnerable to someone’s moronic perception. It was still very painful though…I find it strange when people don’t encourage endurance and practice to increase skill levels, like if someone isn’t ultra-talented at something, they just shouldn’t bother. It’s a very stupid philosophy of learning. Probably shouldn’t be dignified with “philosophy” either… When I was younger, I remember being told the story of this one guy who I basically interpreted as borderline retarded who wanted to learn a piece of Gemara. He repeated a single page over a hundred times. One of the people working with him got furious and basically said he’s too stupid to learn and shouldn’t even bother. The moral of the story was that A) he did finally understand it, and B)according to the Rabbi the two people were studying under, his arduous learning was far more virtuous than the learning that came easily. Plus, my own conclusion, that that critical guy was an asshole ;’D Anyway, obviously the story was very exaggerated to make a point, but… Yeah. I find it very frustrating when people think that people who aren’t excellent at something just shouldn’t bother with it, or should never try to improve at it. I’ve seen a lot of people discourage themselves out of trying things that they could do with a little (or a lot) of work. And I’m sure that getting through these classes is something you can do if you try to.Also, please don’t tell me your friend’s name, because if I ever meet him, then I will immediately have a bad impression, presuming I remember his name ;’)Anyway, just keep on keeping on :’)
@jedeyeyam - thanks- this is helpful. I feel like I have to fight my own inner criticism a lot of times so it doesn’t help when I have external criticism as well. But I hope I will finish this long and arduous journey despite these setbacks.
You deal with your internal critics, send me the external critics and I will yell at them ;’) or more calmly criticize their points of view (to be more accurate about what I’d actually do in that sort of circumstance).