I never had back problems until I turned 27-28. Whenever I study for more than an hour at a time, my back starts to hurt. 

I got depressed after about 5 hours of math homework today. I was thinking about the years I spent in haziness and confusion about the direction of my life. Sometimes when I’m tutoring my kids, I want to tell them to avoid my path, but I think my scenario had precipitated from relatively unusual circumstances – my inability to form meaningful and lasting romantic relationships at the cusp of my adulthood in conjunction with the sudden deaths of many relatives made me exceedingly cynical of life and its standard pathways. At some point, I don’t think I wanted to do anything with my life except experiment with various substances until I died. Everything that happened exacerbated the depression I had already been fighting since middle school or high school. Most things that happened to me shouldn’t affect an emotionally healthy person the way they affected me. But that statement is already a passive aggressive way of saying ‘the world did this to me, boo hoo woo hoo.’ Pointless to even think about any of this because really, it doesn’t make me any happier or validate or invalidate any of the feelings I have. 

In reality, feelings are there whether they are ‘correct’ or ‘incorrect,’ ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ but the more important thing is whether they make me a ‘functional’ or ‘dysfunctional’ person. 

We went to see The Evil Dead last night and it was absolutely terrifying. I could not keep my eyes open after the first 30 minutes of the movie. I thought Mama was pretty scary, but this was just too bloody, too intense, and too scary. Tree rapage, bloody puke, and lots of violence. Missed out on a spinning head and chainsaw arm though. I don’t remember the last time I was this scared from a movie.

Hardwell is not a bad dj… Even though I am not a huge fan of house or electro. I started listening to his podcast and I kind of like it.

I think after I finish my studies I’ll move back to Europe. I want to move to Switzerland where it’s legal to euthanize yourself when you have a terminal illness.

I heard my math teacher talk about the powerball during the last lecture and I was curious as to what it was. Turns out that this is some kind of 60 million dollar jackpot. I thought “wow, imagine if I won all that money!” And then I realized that I wouldn’t know what to do with all of that money. I’d give some to my friends and family who needed it, but at the same time, how would I know if they were going to use it right? Would they have given me a cut if they won the jackpot? Probably not, since I often feel like a superficial accessory friend or person in their lives.

I think in the past, I would have parsed out the money equally to everyone in my family, but now that we’ve grown distant and some have strained relationships, I don’t think I’d easily come to that decision anymore. Likewise, my friends are generally not in need of any money. I guess I’d help people with payments or loans, maybe set up a college fund for my nieces and nephews, but I wouldn’t just give them money straight up because people always spend money on dumb shit they don’t need, myself included.

Thinking about this has made me realize how little I trust people. If I ever came into a small fortune, I’d just be paranoid that everyone was using me. 

Ran off to Vegas this past weekend for a quick pick me up. Clockwise left to right: we went to Surrender at Encore, Ceasar’s Palace (failed attempt to eat brunch at Serendipity), stayed at the “hipster” Cosmo hotel (they have a lot of these video columnades, and video elevators), and a view from the plane flight to Vegas. I usually don’t fly to Vegas – I drive. This was the first time I flew to Vegas and it was quite nice! I didn’t like the Cosmo the first few times I went there a year or two ago, but now I’m really starting to like it.

Above and Beyond announced in their podcast that they will be doing a residency at the Wynn hotel. I’m so excited!!! Definitely going to be headed towards Vegas more often in the upcoming year or so.

Theme song for this trip: http://youtu.be/41mnpn3kH5g

Andrew Bayer – Lose Sight (ft Ane Brun)

So addicted to this song and have turned into an instant fan of bayer – I need that album!! ~~~

Because I’ve never used an iPhone before this last November when I finally upgraded to an iPhone 5, I totally overlooked the function of podcasts. I love music and can never get enough of finding new music, so this is perfect for getting me through my commutes in traffic. Why has no one ever reminded me about them (points fingers at everyone but self)?!?! I feel like I’ve already wasted the past year not listening to any of my favorite trance mixes (trance around the world- or, group therapy, as it’s called now). Can’t wait to drive around now and listen to everything. EVERYTHING.

I feel pretty good about the classes I just finished in the last quarter. I’m finally starting to get the hang of studying for non-literature classes again. It’s a bit hard to retrain my brain to figure out how to think differently, but it’s okay now. I’m slowly getting there.

I just finished playing a game called The Cat Lady, which has been quite popular on Youtube among some of my favorite Youtube gamers. What attracted me to this game was that the premise is of a woman, Susan Ashworth, who kills herself in the beginning of the game almost the same way I tried to kill myself a year and a half ago. I think the most interesting aspect of the story is that the authors of the game neither punish nor approve of her actions; rather, they just explore the complexities of depression in a very unapologetic manner. Not only is Susan depressed, but she’s also a “cat lady.” Cat ladies are usually thought of as unlikable loners who dislike socializing and prefer the company of cats. Sometimes it is inferred that they are also anti-social; hence, the nickname “crazy cat lady.” Especially in America, I feel like anyone who is too closely associated with cats become antagonized for their perceived social preferences. However, I don’t think there should be anything wrong with people who like cats, just as there shouldn’t be anything wrong with someone who doesn’t particularly prefer the company of other people. Oddly enough, this idea that cats are associated with anti-social unlikable people seems to be most prevalent in the U.S. – in all of my travels elsewhere, other people and cultures don’t seem to have as negative of a perception of “cat people” as we do here in the U.S. I’ve always felt that this was due to the American cowboy mentality – that we need to take things by the reins, pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, and if we don’t take action, then we’ll just be passive pussies (pun intended).

On an introspective note, I enjoy socializing to a certain degree, but prefer to spend more time alone. I feel like spending too much time with people eventually drains my energy and that the interactions among people become more and more superfluous and redundant over time. It’s a necessity for sure, and I hate to be alone 100% of the time, but I can’t help but remember all the times I’ve been betrayed by people around me. I feel like I can’t trust anyone. Even if I trust someone, I always prepare myself to be let down because I know that will always happen. So far, it has happened 100% of the time with all of my ex-boyfriends. 

So what makes the game interesting is that they use a very weak and unlikable person to create their protagonist. The ending is not all rainbows and sunshine, but it ends with the idea that Susan has gone through a series of traumatic incidences to gain her rebirth. So everything in the game (it is a horror game after all), as gory and horrific as they are, sort of symbolize the internal horror that she had to go through in order to regain her life (after waking up from a failed suicide attempt).

The whole concept is very novel and interesting. You can read more into it by examining all the characters and their interactions with Susan if you play the game. 

I have said before that I don’t expect anyone or anything to be able to understand what I went through in my mind, but this game actually does a pretty good job of interpreting these unpalatable issues on a palatable format.