I was watching a Youtube video by a guy who also talked about how he got panic attacks when I suddenly remembered some of the times I got my panic attacks. The earliest one that I could remember was when I was in fourth grade, when I was participating in a group discussion. Most of the other times it happened was in random places, like grocery store lines. Although it’s an “attack,” I’d say that (for me at least) the build-up to a full blown panic attack is usually gradual, starting with a slight sense of being unnerved to extreme anxiety, in which I can’t look up from the ground for fear of shaking or falling down. It’s very weird because I never knew about panic attacks until I was in my 20′s, and by then, I had self-medicated with a bunch of random benzos I’d leeched off of friends or family members. Eventually I was diagnosed by my doctor and given proper prescriptions, but you never quite shake the memory of having a panic attack. It’s the weirdest feeling ever. I get nervous about a lot of things: tests (midterms and finals in particular), first dates, interviews, rollercoasters…but none of these things, despite being in reality much scarier than, say, a grocery line, evokes the same kind of reaction or physical response as a panic attack. I get light headed, my breathing becomes shallow, and I start to sweat and feel scared.
My house is filled with flowers. Steven always gives me so many roses and I never know what to do with them (besides keep them in a vase with water until they die). Today I decided to plant two of the stems in my backyard. I noticed that one of them was already budding in the vase, so I was like Hah! and whack, I stuck it in the dirt. Hopefully it will grow. If I grow all of the flowers Steven gives me, I’ll have a whole backyard full of roses in no time!
