So Derrick complains about my dog Clover a lot and how he can't stand him. I started thinking about how a lot of people pick their pets based on the animal's personality. They can say they don't want a certain dog because it's too shy or it's too outgoing or too drooly, or anything. I think this idea has bothered me a bit because I always felt that my mom didn't like me for who I was. I mean, she loved me, but if I were a stranger with no relation to her, I believe she would not have been interested in becoming my friend. I was too introverted, not smart, impatient, stubborn, and difficult to teach, etc. I don't want to reject my pets because of their personality flaws. You can't control what personality you're given when you're born. Maybe you can control its expression with habits and routine, but I would hate for my pets to feel like they're not loved because they're too "stubborn" or "difficult to train." With such bougie expectations, how can you expect people to learn how to love and accept all kinds of people? We aren't a robot race. Individuals have flaws and quirks, but that is also what makes them an Individual. I feel so sad when people say they can't date someone who is like this or that, or that they must date someone who fits this perfect mold. If I chose to do that, I would have never ended up in any of my strongest relationships. Sure, they weren't perfect, but that's what made them so lovable as well.

Tired of thinking about this. It's so useless to ponder such things when all it does is make me upset.

It's our 8 month anniversary so Steven came over and made me dinner while I did homework~

So hot today. The thermostat reads 90 degrees in the shade. My house is still an icebox though. It's this short period of time during the year when it's poor insulation and ineffective heat regulation is quite nice.

I love Southern California weather!! Shiny blue pools and cold CBTL. I'll always be a SoCal girl at heart.

We went to a launch of some add on for Starcraft II. Starcraft has certainly come a long way since the days I used to play it in high school.

"We call them water bears"
"Why?"
"Haven't you ever heard them say 'whatever'?! It sounds like they're saying 'waterbear,' so we call them water bears"

Lol. A bear made out of water.

I had a scary dream last night about being chased by a malevolent female ghost who wanted to possess me. She was actually angry at my mom, but since my mom's not around anymore, she decided to go after me. I felt as though it was difficult to breathe and I was gasping for air when I got to my neighbor's house for help. My house was located in a suburban area in NY.

Sometimes, I feel like I cannot think anymore. When I am working on hw, I feel like I am just on autopilot, going through the motions of doing something without really thinking of what it is.

I am worried that I might have cancer, but I think everyone worries about that right? What's the point.

Some pictures from last week!!

Just watched Adaptation again; it's one of my favorite movies. Well, I love all of Kaufmans movies and I wish there were more movies like the ones he writes.

I feel very depressed because of my calc midterm. Even though I did well on my chem midterm, it always seems like doing badly on something else makes life ten times worse while doing well on something doesn't make one feel better at all. Esp since this is like my 3rd or fourth time in my life taking calc.

I was watching a Youtube video by a guy who also talked about how he got panic attacks when I suddenly remembered some of the times I got my panic attacks. The earliest one that I could remember was when I was in fourth grade, when I was participating in a group discussion. Most of the other times it happened was in random places, like grocery store lines. Although it's an "attack," I'd say that (for me at least) the build-up to a full blown panic attack is usually gradual, starting with a slight sense of being unnerved to extreme anxiety, in which I can't look up from the ground for fear of shaking or falling down. It's very weird because I never knew about panic attacks until I was in my 20's, and by then, I had self-medicated with a bunch of random benzos I'd leeched off of friends or family members. Eventually I was diagnosed by my doctor and given proper prescriptions, but you never quite shake the memory of having a panic attack. It's the weirdest feeling ever. I get nervous about a lot of things: tests (midterms and finals in particular), first dates, interviews, rollercoasters...but none of these things, despite being in reality much scarier than, say, a grocery line, evokes the same kind of reaction or physical response as a panic attack. I get light headed, my breathing becomes shallow, and I start to sweat and feel scared.

My house is filled with flowers. Steven always gives me so many roses and I never know what to do with them (besides keep them in a vase with water until they die). Today I decided to plant two of the stems in my backyard. I noticed that one of them was already budding in the vase, so I was like Hah! and whack, I stuck it in the dirt. Hopefully it will grow. If I grow all of the flowers Steven gives me, I'll have a whole backyard full of roses in no time!