Getting so unmotivated. I always start something and then I feel bored with everything and I feel like I have to stop. After a while, everything, like breathing, seems so petty and of little or no consequence.

I remember when I was young, I liked going out to do anything. Sit around in a cafe, hang out at a mall, go watch a movie, etc. But it seems like now, I have so little interest in the outside world. I feel like all the stuff happening is so futile. Syria bombs it’s own citizens with chemicals. That sucks. Well, even if we resolve that problem with whatever, say, a war, there’s still going to be more problems that will pop up elsewhere. Maybe Africa will have a continental war.

So tired.

Since I’ve been in a normal relationship for well over a year now, I’ve decided to reflect on quotes that I’ve always wondered about from when I was in dysfunctional relationships:

“Busy’ is another word for ‘asshole’. ‘Asshole’ is another word for the guy you’re dating.”
― Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

This is true: Steven, even when he’s busy, will never tell me that he’s “busy.” He’ll tell me what he’s doing or he’ll say I’ll get right back to you or something like that. Never “busy” and then silence.

“We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the
one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.”
― Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

This is true. My exes never said it to me outright, but it became ever more and more apparent that they never loved me when they’d make excuses or cheat on me. I didn’t want to aknowledge it because I loved them and I wanted them to love me, but it never worked out that way.

“..he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he’s just not that into you.”
― Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

True with my exes. What I never understood was how they could say I love you and then tell me for days on end that they’re “busy.” It makes me sick to think about how much emotional energy I wasted on them.

In short, all of these quotes have turned out to be true. No one who truly loves you will let anything get in their way. Not school, work, or even distance.

My problem is my craziness that I get when I have a bad breakup. I shouldn’t get that way, but I always fall in too deep when someone I love tells me they love me too. If you are a young girl reading this, don’t fall into that trap.

Quotes from http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/822184-he-s-just-not-that-into-you-the-no-excuses-truth-to-understanding-guys

I saw a movie with Steven today called Oslo, August 31. It takes place in Norway, but the infrastructure of the city and it’s streets remind me of Amsterdam and those melancholy walks I used to take through the city.

The movie captures so precisely what and how I feel about everyone and everything when I want to commit suicide. It’s interesting because there is actually not a lot of dialogue, but you can feel all of Anders’s internal struggles. I actually feel like it could almost be a movie about me if I were a Norwegian guy recovering from heroin addiction. But even without the drugs, there is that pervasive emptiness threatening to swallow you alive. The only way you can escape from it is to take your own life. It’s a sad movie, but I love it because it makes me feel that I am not alone in how I perceive the world. There are others who can understand me out there.

Totally one of the best albums by one of the ugliest artists ever. That’s why I love it.

I tell myself this every morning and it works about 20% of the time. Clover says good morning!

I had been in a funk for a while so I decided to treat myself to some Lush soap. I bought 1/4 of a lb of soap called “Dirty” and a bath bomb called “Blueberry.” The Blueberry one is supposed to make your blues go away (hah, some sort of clever advertising I guess). I remember there was this guy from Belgium who was a photographer and during the photo session he would run hot water through one of the bath bombs to make the whole place smell nice. It’s a waste of water, but it did make the place smell really good. He really liked me at that time, and now I associate the smell of one of their bath bombs to that particular time when he admitted thay he really liked me.

I also made a cucumber and garlic dish with sesame oil and vinegar dressing. Was so yummy. I can’t wait until tomorrow so that I can make it and eat it again.

Because of all the studying and heavy computer / iPhone use, my eyes have been becoming more sore lately. They feel more like rubber balls than anything else they’re supposed to feel.

So I’ve heard of these Japanese eye drops since high school, but haven’t tried them until now. They are absolutely insane! It’s like blasting your eyeballs with mouth wash.

I saw a movie with Steven called Silver Linings Playbook. I felt really sad because I could see myself in both of those characters. Cooper’s character Pat was completely obsessed with a nonexistent love. His ex wife never loved him at all (implied), but he created this fictitious relationship with her that was very destructive. I also see a lot of myself in Lawrence’s character too.

I’m glad the movie presents mental illness in a forgiving light, but I don’t think we’re all lucky to have understanding parents. My dad has never been supportive of my taking my medications, even though I’ve explained to him many times that it has been helping me. I really liked how Pat’s parents were really understanding and helpful with his illness in this movie, which really provides a sort of role model for parents of kids with mental or emotional disorders.

Xanga is like a ghost town now. I feel like very few people have stayed to see what would happen next.

It’s kind of like me. I would have died, but now I’m just sticking around to see what happens next.

I don’t like how I keep getting footprints from an Unknown visitor. Is anyone else getting this problem? After the whole Snowden issue, I’m starting to wonder if it’s the government spying on me and if so, what for? I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong lately except drive about 5 mph above the speed limit.

You don’t love me anymore, but it’s okay because I don’t love you anymore either. It’s just sad because we once did. All it’s ever going to be now was just a blink in the brief history of our lives. Yet the nostalgia of those days hurts me so much- no one can undo memories. What are feelings anyway? They cause us to do things stupid and unrealistic.