I've been thinking about The Great Gatsby ever since I watched it on Sunday. I think about how painful it is not only to yearn for wealth or possessions, but also for someone you can't have. It is better to let go than to allow your desires destroy you, like what ultimately happens to Gatsby.

Thinking about the past makes me very upset, but sometimes I can't stop myself from reminiscing or thinking about it. Sometimes I think about it over and over, like a kind of addiction.

I've been in a terrible funk for the past week or two. I think it has to do with the feeling that no one I really loved or cared about ever seemed to love me back. I visited my mom's grave on Sunday, and I couldn't help but remember how I always felt that she felt obliged to love me, but that it was a burden to do so. So many people I loved or cared about either passed away or left me. I often feel that my current relationships could be just as ephemeral and that in the future, I might be around totally different people again. The thought of this pushes me into a deep depression - sometimes I feel like it is just pointless to keep trying when everything falls apart anyway.

And other stuff. Abricot (vanilla ice cream with waffle), and Jitlada (mango salad, and mussel soup). There's also a picture of Clover taken by Steven's sister at their family's Mother's Day lunch.

Also, I found a song by the M Machine called Trafalgar:
http://youtu.be/_I2H1AXjAyA

I've been getting really bad dreams lately that involve monsters.

It was Mother's Day last Sunday, and I went to Rose Hills with my cousins to picnic with our deceased moms. I miss my mom a lot. You stop hurting about 1-2 years after they pass away, but you never stop missing them. I guess the same could be said of old relationships.

Is a very interesting tv show.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just wandering around half awake. My brain seems not so much rooted in reality as it is in some other dimension.

I attended a potluck the other night and I felt so detached from everyone. I can't relate to their interests or hobbies. I feel like it's hard to maintain friendships with girls unless they are introverted and weird like me.

Feel very blah today. Took a chem midterm and felt extremely depressed about it afterward. Talked to my brother about it and felt a bit better. I should try not to focus on the grade and focus more on understanding the material so when I use it later on, it will make sense. Steven watches too many movies.

Why do people still use Xanga?

I remember all of my high school friends used to have a Xanga account. But soon everyone started drifting away. I don't really know anyone who still uses Xanga now.

People get bored easily and want something new all the time. I actually use Xanga because I don't really know anyone who uses it. I think it's a really convenient digital journal that I can use pretty much whenever I want.

Last year my favorite albums were Lana Del Rey's Born to Die and Paradise. I loved those albums so much I think I played each song at least a hundred or more times.

This year I have a few other favorite albums:

Andrew Bayer - If it Were You We'd Never Leave

The M Machine - Metropolis pt 1&2

Overgrown -James Blake

These are my favorites this year so far. I realllyyy love the M Machine's metropolis because it was inspired by a movie of the same title and I really feel like the music tells a story as well.