August 13, 2013

  • You don’t love me anymore, but it’s okay because I don’t love you anymore either. It’s just sad because we once did. All it’s ever going to be now was just a blink in the brief history of our lives. Yet the nostalgia of those days hurts me so much- no one can undo memories. What are feelings anyway? They cause us to do things stupid and unrealistic.

August 12, 2013

  • Today I was in an unusually good mood. I feel like these are the days when I realize how nice it is to not be in a rut- when your mind is clouded over with dark thoughts and recursive defeating negative feelings and ideas. I felt pretty normal today, which was good. It’s a nice break from the horribleness I usually feel.

August 9, 2013

  • Addicted to my phone?

    My dad claims I have an addiction to my iPhone.

    I’m not going to say I don’t, but I feel like it is one of the ways I escape reality when I’m tired of it. Even if it is mindlessly reading random crap about celebrities. I’ll admit it’s not a good thing, but perhaps it is just a coping mechanism for me. For example, I write nearly all of my blog posts on my cell phone now. Blogging has always been a way for me to catalogue, organize, and understand (though usually not possible) my erratic thoughts and emotions. Emotions and thoughts occur instantaneously and having a method of recording it on the spot helps the accuracy of the record.

    On another random note, I defeated the Isaac boss in the Binding of Isaac. Beating a game makes me feel so happy. Conversely, if and when I get to the final boss and lose, I get into a terrible funk. I have been in an overall depressed mood for the past week or so because of the class situation for fall. If I can’t get into Physics, then I’ll have to wait another year before I can take the series.

August 6, 2013

  • Neighbourhood

    I am really in love with this album. All of the words resonate with all of what experience everyday. I mean the tunes and the singer’s voice all sound rather generic, but the words…I feel them. I think the guy sounds like the guy from Maroon 5.

    “How can I sleep if I don’t have dreams?
    I just have nightmares”

    “You’re too mean, I don’t like you, fuck you anyway
    You make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs
    It hurts but I won’t fight you
    You suck anyway
    You make me wanna die”

    “I hate the beach
    But I stand
    In California with my toes in the sand”

    “How could you question God’s existence
    when you question God himself?
    Why would you ask for God’s assistance
    if you wouldn’t take the help?”

  • I’m pretty stressed/depressed. I know it’s better not to talk about it because it just feeds the emotion. I got a lecture from a friend who I thought knew me pretty well, but I guess he doesn’t. He kept saying “why do you even want to do premed? You hate chemistry, and you don’t know how to study. I’ve seen you study and you get distracted so easily. You need to put yourself in an uncomfortable place and just really study. If you don’t like chemistry, then how are you supposed to do well in the health profession?!”

    The truth is, I don’t hate chemistry, but I just have trouble doing very well in it. Sure, I don’t get A’s, but really, I don’t even get A’s in classes I do love, like my English classes. I’m just a straight B student, and to be honest, getting B’s in subjects I find excruciatingly hard is not bad in my standards, let alone UCLA’s science classes. I remember when my brother said he “failed” (probably a C?) an English class at a city college, which was ridiculous to me, but I understand it’s not an easy subject for him and he has always had trouble with literature. I don’t hold it against him; his brain works differently and I commend him for trying.

    What makes me frustrated is that some people who I think are my friends say things that really put me down when all I want to do is finish a goal. There are many reasons why I am premed. I am premed because it was something I wanted to do in high school. I just didn’t know how to approach it. I was depressed and didn’t know I was depressed. I finally figured out how to manage my depression in my mid-20′s. I had a Dutch therapist who probably told me the best thing anyone has ever told me: “you are alone in the world now. You have to be your own father and mother. Your father protects you, and your mother loves and nurtures you.”

    My mom put me down in many ways when I was young too. Perhaps it was totally unintentional but she kept comparing me to my friend Elaine S. Why can’t I be like her, why can’t I sit still and study? I don’t have the same focus or attention span. Now she is a radiologist with a dentist boyfriend who looks something like Ben Affleck.

    I would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous. But it’s things like that, I feel like my Mom would be saying I told you so. You’re a useless fool who went halfway around the world to chase an empty dream and fall in love with someone who treated you worse than you treat your own dog. What kind of of a fucking idiot would do that? You’re so useless you might as kill yourself. There’s no point in sucking up air and utilizing resources when other people need it anyway.

August 4, 2013

  • Random Conversation

    “When my ex finally found a new gf, he stopped stalking me! Thank goodness!”

    My friend was telling me about her experience with a crazy ex. I was thinking about why this happens. We think love is a one time and exclusive emotion that will get you stuck on one person forever and ever, but actually once you find a replacement, the former lover is no better than an old toy. You can completely forget about them because this different person can evoke the same emotion.

    That’s why love is a completely stupid and useless emotion. It’s not dependable at all.

August 2, 2013

  • Is it weird
    Is it weird

    To take a screenshot of something I like on Tumblr and repost it on Xanga? Yeah, a bit weird I guess. Cross-digital contamination.

July 30, 2013

  • Because Xanga is going kaputz

    I downloaded my archives for Xanga. It’s really weird reading entries that I wrote 11 years ago when I was 17. I think I actually joined Xanga a lot earlier than that, but maybe under a different name. I was so weird as a teenager! Maybe I’m still weird. I was also depressed back then as I am now:

     

    Saturday November 23, 2002

    I guess it’s just this one xanga I accidentally happened to read today that pissed me off…but really, I’ve felt like this a lot…people just don’t understand…I remember once when I was little, I asked my mom “Why do people want to kill themselves?  That’s so horrible”….and isn’t it ironic?  Suicide is so controversial… but I’ve realized that people who are against it don’t understand the feeling…it’s a miserable, cold, lonely, feeling…people say they feel like shit all the time, but suicide is like feeling so shitty you can’t even think about ANYTHING else but killing yourself…it’s horrible…I’m glad I’ve never gone through with it, but it’s a sneaky little bastard…  

     

    Still sounds like me today, eleven years later, and I still haven’t changed. Instead of a teenager, I am just a 28 year old angsty person on a mental pair of crutches called Prozac and Xanax. Less pimples, more wrinkles. I think the difference is that I’ve grown accustomed to isolating myself from the noise and indulgence of too much social interaction.

    Anyway, I know some of you might be wondering where I’m going after this. I’m on WordPress now, so here’s my new cyber consciousness’s home: http://littlefatkitten.wordpress.com/

    I’ve only played around with responses to their daily prompts. So far I haven’t committed to divulging my deepest, most boring secrets on there, but it will probably transition into that as soon as this place dies. “Dies.” Oh, what a heavy and overused word. 

     

July 25, 2013

  • Funny Conversations with My Dad

    My dad unfortunately got sick the past week, but has just gotten better. When I saw him today, I asked him what happened:

    “Dad, how’d you get sick?”

    “Oh, I had a terrible stomach flu” (note: this is usually how conversations usually go in my family. The question is never directly answered, but something similar is mentioned in regards to the answer)

    “How’d you get the stomach flu? Do you know how you got it?”

    “I ate this bread with …you know those little dried grapes…”

    “Raisins”

    “Yes, I ate this bread with raisins in it.”

    “Was there something wrong with it?”

    “I think there was some mold or it was not good anymore..”

    “Why’d you eat it then?”

    “I like the taste”

    “You like the taste of mold?!”

    “No! I didn’t know it was moldy!”

  • Sometimes I think it would be great to lock myself in a personal prison and just read all the books I wanted to read ‘but never got around to read.’